Balancing Act

So today in class, I think I hit an all time high with stress for me. It was in my computer organization and architecture class, which is one of the hardest classes in my major, and I was sitting there as we were discussing our big project that we got assigned last week. After listening to other students ask questions and talk to the professor about issues they were having with the project, I got very overwhelmed as I realized that I had NO idea what they heck they were talking about. I realized that I didn't prepare well at all, I hadn't read the book like I should've been doing, and that I was in danger of not being able to contribute to my project(we have one partner, thankfully mine is very smart). This is where I need to really trust God with everything going on in my life. We have the Navs key laborers retreat this weekend, and in order for me to be able to go, I had to skip smallgroup tonight, and will probably have to skip large group tomorrow night. I have a test on thursday, and big assignment due on friday, another big assignment due on tuesday(all of this while we should have the majority of our project design finished within a week). 

I don't do well with stress. My solution normally consists of me pushing everything off until the last second, but unfortunately I can't do that with this project(or this quarter). This quarter has been a huge challenge for me. I feel like I haven't had a lot of time for myself. Last quarter it seemed like everyday I would come home from class and just crash for an hour or two, watch some tv, and then maybe start some homework at like 9 or 10. I haven't been able to do that. I can't do that. Now, actually getting work and good studying in has really paid off on my first three midterms, which is great. But I really can't wait till the end of the quarter.

On the other hand, I can wait till the end of the quarter. I don't even know what I'm doing in the spring. I'm supposed to be co-oping, but I haven't had any job interviews yet, and with this economy, I really don't feel confident at the moment. On top of my hardest quarter of my college career, I have that extra stress to deal with. 

Now with all this being said, it's pretty easy to say that my spiritual state hasn't been the greatest. I don't get many moments to myself, and those moments that I do, I am pretty selfish about it, leaving God out of the picture. This isn't something I'm proud of, but I'm just being honest. I don't know what to do. There's just so much to do, in so little time. I hate the fact that I have to skip smallgroup/large group, I really do hate it. I feel like it's my duty as a leader to be at the things going on, because I want to make a difference, but it's just so hard. 

Oh yeah, and another thing I have to cut back on because of school work has been hanging out with my amazing girlfriend. That really sucks. I hate having to say "yeah I can't really see you for the next three days because I have way to much work to do." Spring break can't come soon enough...

I feel like everything is this giant balancing act. I guess that's just life. God, please help me. I need your strength...

I Will Go

I heard this verse in a song by Desperation Band called I Will Go, and it sent chills down my spine. What an amazingly powerfully verse when you read it with excitement. It makes me wonder if maybe I don't get excited about scripture because I just read it as a book, rather than words from God. I want to get excited about the Bible, and have the fire and desire to read it. Honestly, I feel dry and empty spiritually. I think I am going to try this approach and see what happens. 

Isaiah 6:1-8

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: 
       "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; 
       the whole earth is full of his glory."

 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" 
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

worry not

So in the midst of our market slowly but surely going to crap and having to take out more loans for school, yesterday at church we were reminded of a verse that put everything in perspective for me. I have heard this verse probably 30 times before, but now it's literally applying to a situation that I think everyone can relate to.

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It's so easy for us to worry about how we are going to pay off college debt, or whether we will have money there for us when we retire, or whether we will be able to support a family in the future or the job market or so many other things. Well guess what? As long as you put your trust in God for the future, you will be fine. There are so many more things going on today, why worry about what will happen tomorrow? Yes, we should be good stewards of the money that God has provided, and planning can be a great thing. But let's not obsess about it, or make it our sole worry in life. Yes, there will be hard times, I can guarantee you that. But God is always there if you just seek him out. He won't leave you. The times where you feel the most lonely and separated from God, and feel like he completely abandoned you, those are the times when He wants you to reach out to him the most. I don't know whether or not I'm going to have a job right out of school, or how I will pay off school, or pretty much everything else about my future, but when I reach my lowest of low, there isn't a single person on this planet that can help me get through all of it, and I most certainly can't get through it on my own strength.

With all of that being said, I hope and pray that I can seek first His kingdom and His plan before my own desires.

This is probably the most random post I've ever had, considering I have two tests and a lab tomorrow and I just spent 25 minutes typing that out.

Silver Lining

So this post is just some stuff I have been thinking about over the past couple weeks.

It's always interesting to me when we can know and understand something so clearly, but so blatantly ignore it. We can say all we want, we can pretend that we are going to change, but it seems to be a rare thing when we actually change our ways. I've found myself in this constant cycle of realizing something, then ignoring it. It's like I know what I need to do in order for things to be in a better place, yet I let myself fall back into the same patterns/thought processes that make me someone I don't want to be. Why do i do this? I have no idea. When I realize what I need to do, it seems so obvious to me, but how come it is so hard to just do it? I guess I just get frustrated with the fact that I can't stay consistent, and when I feel like God is speaking to me about something, I just end up doing my own thing anyways. Right now I guess I'm in the process of trying to seek what God wants for me in my life, but that's kind of hard when I don't act on what I need to do.

There is this new Relient K song that has been out for a while called "The Lining Is Silver". It's a pretty simple song, not much too it, but I love the chorus. It says, "Isn't it nice to know, that the lining is silver?" I honestly didn't know what the phrase "silver lining" meant, so after doing some research, I found that it is referring to an old proverb that says "every cloud has a silver lining". It basically means that every bad situation has a good side to it, or being optimistic about what can happen. This is kind of an elementary idea, because I think that most people tend to want to make the best out of bad times, but I just love the simplicity of the idea. Yeah, crap happens, but it is nice to know that the lining is silver. That's the beauty of life, you can decide that you are going to focus on the negative side of stuff, or you can try and look at ways to make every situation positive. It reminds me of the fact that God has a reason for everything and every situation. There have been so many times in my life where I think everything is going wrong, questioning why God is letting things happen, but it always turns out to have happened for some reason, or to show me something. And that's the only thing you can do, because no matter how much you think you know what is best, God always knows(he even knows you better than you know yourself), and everything that happens to us happens for a reason.

"You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining"

The Heart of Life- John Mayer